Hero or Villain?

There are days when I know that I haven’t been the best mom in the world. Like the day I spent too much time on Facebook ignoring my kids. Or the day I yelled all day and never praised my kids for anything they did right. Or perhaps it was the day that I ran out of the house screaming “I’m free! I’m free!” and almost didn’t come back…

And there are days when I know I have been an awesome mom. Like days when I make a hot breakfast (and for the purposes of this discussion, I won’t include Eggo waffles in that category) and homemade applesauce for dinner. Or the day I actually gave each child undivided attention for a period of time (I think that happened once!). Or the day we decided pack a lunch and eat it at the playground. Those are good days.

It is very rare when I feel like both the amazing mother… and the horrible mother all in one. Yesterday was that day and it felt strange.

My kids have been sick on and off all week. Literally on and off. Jessica was sick on Sunday. Michael stayed home from school sick on Monday, back at school Tuesday, home on Wednesday, back at school Thursday. Crazy, weird sickness.

By Thursday morning, I was ready to get out and do something fun. Something with people. Something not inside my house. For whatever reason, at 7:30 a.m. as I was getting myself ready for the day, I decided that I wanted to go out for breakfast - with all four kids. Is that crazy? Um… yeah. It would take a miracle for us to get out the door in time to get breakfast and get to school on time.

Miracles happen.

The kids were THRILLED with the idea. They had no trouble getting ready quickly. I made Michael’s lunch. I talked Samantha into buying pizza at school so that saved me a few minutes not having to make her lunch. And we were out the door by 8:10 (five minutes earlier than I had expected – GO MOM!).

We ate at The Golden Fox – a neighborhood favorite. The kids were amazingly well behaved and I think we impressed the four RTS bus drivers eating their breakfast at the next table. We finished our meal at 9 and the kids asked if there was time to play on the playground before school. Normally the answer would have come quickly and would have been a NO.  But today, I was feeling cool. I was feeling fun.  I was feeling spontaneous. And I was sitting there hearing “Sure, kids! Sounds great!” come out of my mouth. (I think being cooped up all week did some damage to the brain!)

Everyone was all smiles and I knew… today, I was my kids’ champion. And that made me "Hero Mom".

I was riding high. Until they got home from school. And I didn’t become a horrible mom all at once. And what I did wasn’t intentional… but I was certainly knocked down a few pegs rather quickly.

Since Samantha had bought her lunch (and saved me five minutes in the morning!)I asked her how the pizza was. She reported that there was no pizza and all she had to eat was the fruit cup I sent in with her, milk, and some of her friends potato chips. I was ready to rage at the school for once again failing to have enough lunches for all the kids when I realized that I had the wrong day. Pizza day is usually Friday. There was no pizza because there was no pizza. I had screwed up. My daughter almost went hungry on my account. I don’t know how I got so confused but I certainly was! (Further proof that being cooped up does damage to the brain!)

I know she didn’t starve or anything but I felt horrible picturing her there in the cafeteria with no lunch! I apologized profusely and explained my mistake… and she glared at me. I was then mentally dubbed, "Villain Mom".

And then just a few hours later I had a run in with Michael. All my fault. We sat down to spend a few minutes reading together (Hero Mom!) and he was doing something… offensive. Okay, he was picking his nose. I told him to get a Kleenex. As he walked to get it I told him that picking his nose was yucky and that if friends saw him doing it, they would think he was yucky so he really shouldn’t pick his nose. Sounds reasonable to me!

A few minutes later, instead of coming back to read, he was hiding behind a chair almost in tears and didn’t want to come out. He said in a whispered voice, “you called me yucky!” And my heart broke.

As I coaxed him out from behind the chair, he burst into tears. I hadn’t said he was yucky! I said what he was doing was yucky. But he heard that his mother, the one woman in the world who is supposed to be his safe place, the woman he thought he could trust to love him unconditionally, called him yucky. I felt terrible. We talked about it. I explained what I said. I apologized if he heard me say it any other way. And I told him that if he picked his nose all day long I would love him just as much as if he never did it again (but I’m really hoping that he just decides to stop!). I let him know that I was his biggest cheerleader and fan. I think he got it. I sure hope so.

And as I think about it, I realize that as a parent, that’s often what it’s like for all of us. We constantly walk the line of being the hero or villain – at least in our own minds. We pat ourselves on the back for things we do well and beat ourselves up for areas we wish we could change.

“Hooray! I read with my kids today!”

“Boo… I don’t think my kids ate a single fruit or veggie today.”

“Hooray! I demonstrated patience when they were slow getting their shoes on today!”
“Boo… I didn’t make anything for dinner and it’s five o’clock.”

“Hooray! I was creative today and let my kids get out paints and craft supplies!”

“Boo… I got really angry when they started painting on the walls.”

And so it goes… and one day rolls into the next as we evaluate, evaluate, evaluate every action we take. If you can relate, know that you’re not alone

This whole topic got me to thinking about The Lord’s Prayer in the Gospel of Matthew. Jesus tells us to pray, “...give us this day, our daily bread…” We aren’t supposed to constantly evaluate our actions (although we often do…).  God isn’t looking at us as either the hero or the villain. He loves us just as we are, and He wants to give us grace and peace for each day - each moment!  I know that’s what I need – just the right amount of wisdom to handle every situation the best way possible… whether I’m the hero or the villain.

And that’s my prayer for you today - that you will have your “daily bread”. That you will have peace in the moments when you’re feeling like the villain (and chances are, you’re being too hard on yourself!) and joy when you are the hero. And the wisdom to know that neither of those labels are telling of who you REALLY are!

No Soup For You!

The first day of school is always exciting and somewhat stressful. To ease the stress, my kids woke up to find beautiful “school readiness” checklists on the table, one for each of my two school-aged children.  The checklists were to help them get into the routine of what was expected in the morning before we left the house. I decorated each of their lists with their names at the top. I even went so far as to use markers and cute designs. I knew they would be excited about it. And they were… for the first day or two.

I used the checklists at the start of last year, too. A few weeks in, of course, like most things, the lists fell by the wayside because the kids lost interest. I feel like any great new idea is really only good for about a week or two when it comes to kids. I constantly have to reinvent myself and my “motivational” techniques to get them on board with what we’re doing or what I expect.

We are now 23 school days into the year and those “school readiness” checklists just aren’t working for me. I’m not exactly sure what the problem could be.

My vision: The kids would take the lists and do what is on them. It would be a magical, fairy-dust-like moment where the instructions couldn’t be clearer, and the kids couldn’t be more agreeable to doing it. We would one day film a commercial for obedience and fun wrapped up in four adorable cherubs! (Cue the cute kids trotting up the stairs with big grins on their faces, lists and pens in hand).

The reality: I am asking them ten times each morning if things are done and I am yelling by the time we have to leave the house because they had all morning and the list is still not completed! I am constantly nagging them to death to see if everything is done. Here are actual quotes from recent mornings:

“Michael, why are your pajamas on the floor AGAIN if you checked it off of your list?”

 “Samantha, your hair hasn’t been brushed and we have to leave NOW!”

“I know you didn’t brush your teeth because your toothbrush isn’t wet!” (Insert Michael’s innocent grin that says, “I almost got away with that one!”)

And in deep desperation: “I’ll give you guys a dollar at the end of the week if you can just do this without my help!”

In an attempt to save my sanity and focus the kids on getting ready for school independently, I decided to pare down the list. In addition, I lovingly gave the kids this warning: “Your list needs to be done by 8:30 or you won’t get breakfast!” Yep. I said it. And that’s not all I said. I continued, “Don’t come to me at 8:40 telling me you are done and want to eat. It will be too late. And don’t tell me you’re done with your list if your PJ’s are still on the floor! No soup for you!”

Are you horrified? I hope so. Even as I write this I have to wonder what I have become. Is it important that the kids make their beds and hang their jammies? Sure. They need to learn “life skills”. But is it more important than giving love and demonstrating patience and forgiveness? Probably not.  

Sometimes, things get in the way. Today it was the lists…and once again, I am humbled.

I think that tomorrow, when the kids go looking for their lists, I will let them know that the lists are gone. Instead, I’ll surprise them with breakfast…no strings attached. I’ll tell them that I love them, I value them, and I know they are amazing little people who don’t really need the weight of my criticism every morning. And I think they’re gonna’ like that a lot!